Airport Security

K. David
April 10, 2002

There are very few places I truly feel safe these days. With scientists discovering that the planet Earth is under constant threat of colliding with hulking space rocks floating around in outer space and with Ben Afleck recovering from alcoholism and threatening to intrude into our lives with his pal Matt Damon by way of some poorly acted movie or bandwagon reality TV show, there just doesn't seem like there are any safe havens left.

But thanks to the quick action of our government, Airports have become more than just safe havens for illegal immigrants looking for low wage security jobs. Our safety conscious representatives in Washington have passed legislation to enact much more stringent safety standards for the Airline industry; and since these new safety procedures and standards will eventually be "phased" into place by the year 2036, I can tell you that Airports are definitely going to be safe by the time Al Sharpton gets elected president.

Airline travelers should not be alarmed by the continued use of Argenbright Security Inc. at several airports which experienced relatively serious security breaches on September 11, 2001. Although this security company has been blacklisted by the federal government it will continue to be used at Newark Airport until by April 22, 2002. Top government officials have described this service overlap as a carefully implemented security "phasing." This is just of course a fancy way of saying "ignoring until later," which any independent thinker will be able to understand by reading the following exchange:

Bob: [calls his office on Monday morning] John, I won't be in today.
John: But we have a big meeting at 10:00.
Bob: That's okay, I'm phasing myself into work this week.
John: Well that's good to hear. See you tomorrow.

Traveling to North Carolina last weekend, I made some careful observations of the baggage screening procedures at Newark Airport and was able to determine that, among other things, the fatigues of the military personnel did not afford them any degree of camouflage while indoors. In spite of this fact, these zit faced teenagers in army uniforms toting machine guns made me feel quite safe. I suppose this would not have been the case, had I been accompanying a teenage daughter like the gentleman in line in front of me. Apparently the combination of testosterone and fire arms made him somewhat uncomfortable; or it could have been the sidelong glances of the military personnel toward the spandex-wrapped body of his daughter. To say that these soldiers were slightly distracted would be a gross understatement; like saying that Ariel Sharon is a little more hawkish than Willie Nelson.

Another interesting observation was the inability of the security professionals at the x-ray machines to actually look at the display screen for more than 15 milliseconds without becoming bored and distracted. Cleverly, their inattention was mediated by the automatic controls of the conveyer belt into these machines which stopped and started, moved forward and then backward, at random intervals. This would have convinced everyone, except anyone with eyes, that their bags were being examined very, very carefully. What it almost allowed me to do, was inherit a laptop computer which the x-ray machine almost regurgitated right into my hands as was trying to place my bag on the conveyer belt.

In a patriotic effort to increase the security at the baggage screening checkpoint, I covertly placed a "Sega Dreamcast" adhesive sticker on the computer monitor nearest the metal detector that I passed through. Then I turned to the technician and asked, "Hey, that's a great new Sega game you're playing, what's it called?" Then I watched the technician [who had previously been a perfect candidate for massive does of IV Ritalin] stare at the computer screen for almost fifteen full minutes without even blinking once. I think I'll write to Tom Ridge and tell him about my low cost experiment. Then he can hire some consultants at the Carlisle Group, for millions of dollars, to do the same thing.

I was a little disappointed when the amusement ride through the baggage check was finished, and I considered going out and waiting on line again, but decided that since I had only gotten to the airport four hours early, that I'd better run to the gate. I thanked our armed servicemen for their service, and leaned toward the gentleman with the teenage daughter and told him that he would get the last laugh, because the x-ray machines were probably making all the guys who were ogling his daughter sterile anyway.

I arrived at the gate with plenty of time to witness the next phase of airport security: the random baggage screening at the gate. This process has become perhaps the most embarrassing public event besides Ari Fleischer's daily excuses for George W. Bush's frequent blunders.

As passengers prepare to board the plane, gate agents randomly choose individuals for public embarrassment. This consists of removing all the contents of your bag and having you strip naked in full view of your fellow passengers. The rationale behind this safety procedure is very simple; although militant terrorists are not afraid of dying for their cause, they are terrified of being publicly embarrassed.

After watching this procedure at the gate which my plane was to eventually leave from, I ran quickly to the nearest food service area and bought a big back of popcorn and ran through the terminal to watch this procedure repeated as other flights were boarding.

Once I boarded my flight, snickering as I walked past the gate agents traumatizing one of my fellow passengers, I demonstrated my patriotism by turning my cellular phone off promptly when the flight attendant told me for the third time that I was violating FAA regulations.

By the time we landed, I was again ready to confront the dangers of the outside world. And as I was leaving the safety of the federally financed airport system that has so deeply confirmed my faith in the safety air travel, I looked skyward and hummed the National Anthem...