May 30, 2001
K. David

Only days after stating, publicly that he was, 'available to be a candidate in the Democratic presidential primary,' Reverend Al Sharpton was sentenced to 90 days in jail for trespassing on U.S. Navy land as part of a protest against military exercises on the Puerto Rican island of Vieques.

Yesterday, in protest against his incarceration for this protest, Mr. Sharpton stated that he would start a hunger strike; this means that by the time his sentence is over, approximately 90 days from now, he will be exactly half way to his target weight. The small island of Vieques will forever be known as the little Island that did what a multi-million dollar diet industry couldn't: make big fat Al Sharpton skinny.

Four prominent politicians, Mr. Sharpton, Mr. Carrión, Mr. Rivera and Mr. Ramirez went to Vieques with the intent of being arrested. Recent reports indicate, however, that only Mr. Sharpton went to Vieques with the intent of losing weight.

With cries of, "I am not going to eat until we are released," Mr. Sharpton staked out his own personal "Battle of the Bulge". As reported in the New York Times on-line, "He spoke bitterly about the circumstances of his trial in Puerto Rico, but then described being treated fairly well while in jail, except for what he called a few indignities." Later reports cited those indignities, not as racial slurs, but slanderous epithets such as "the biggest bomb dropped on Vieques was the one the Rev. dropped in the loo", and "That moustached man is really in the deep fat fryer now"; some members of the jail staff were even reported to be wearing conspicuously acronymed shirts with the phrase "Jews Enjoy Noshing, but Never Youmind The Cool Reverend Ain't Interested in Gainingweight".

Whether or not Mr. Sharpton is really serious about the hunger strike remains to be seen. An official report from the New York Times stated [and I'm really not making this up] that, "Mr. Sharpton's wife has, on one occasion, brought him some chicken wings from a vending machine in the building." Never mind the socio-political ramifications of chicken wings being available from a vending machine... of more immediate concern is Mr. Sharpton's transgression from his "hunger strike" weight-loss program. Come on Al! No pain no gain! Or is that, No pain, no loss?!? Either way, the Vieques situation is certainly a global event; it will undoubtedly change the face of weight loss programs around the world.

I can see it now: Jenny Craig centers all over the country changing their "I can do that!" advertising slogan to: "Bomb Vieques to stay thin!". According to an anonymous source, Mr. Sharpton has allegedly played into the agile hands of weight loss marketing gurus by publicly stating, "This should cause a *boom* in obesity awareness, particularly within the Puerto Rican community, which represents an important voting constituency for myself and my cronies; as I've always stated, get skinny, stay skinny, vote skinny".

In response to Mr. Sharpton's weight loss pledge, Jenny Craig has already written a comprehensive weight loss program called, "The Ninety Day Sharpton: Hunger Strike Yourself to Better Health", which guarantees that women who stick to the rigorous "Hunger Strike" will lose up to 45 pounds. Weight specialists have cautioned that excessive weight loss, followed by weight gain, can result in some individuals [men and women] exhibiting what doctors have termed the distinctive "Sharpton Moustache", a dangerous medical condition and not a 1970's men's facial-hair throwback. Men enrolling in the program can expect to lose up to 50 pounds, their self respect, and for a limited time will also be endorsed as candidates for the position of Bronx Borough President.

As he sits in jail, getting healthier every day, we shouldn't expect to hear any less from Al Sharpton, but we can expect to hear less of him.