|Top Secret Business
March 5, 2002
Mr. Gordon Witherspoon
A BIG COUNTRY IN NORTH AMERICA
email address: I'm sorry, I was told by my friend Dick not to list this here.
TRANSFER OF US$65,000,000,000.00 (SIXTY FIVE BILLION DOLLARS - USD) FOR DISPERSAL
TO A SELECT LIST OF PATRIOTIC AMERICANS.
You were introduced to
my organization by a good friend of mine in the United States government.
For security reasons, I can't tell you what his name is. But that's just to
show you how top secret this matter is. I can only tell you that he works
in the U.S. Treasury. And when I tell you he makes money, I mean it. He makes
money for millions of hard working Americans. But that's all I can say about
it, because of top leadership initiatives. Because of the sensitive nature
of this proposals, I can only contact you by email. And this isn't easy for
me. Even though I've taken some classes to make me computer illiterate I still
know some basics, but sometimes I wish Bill Gates would stop changing the
OS on me. It's the least he can do for my administration's tolerance of his
anti-trustfulness. Stop changing that OS, Bill. Changing that OS is BS.
It's been several months
since I've had private access to a computer [they don't leave me alone in
the study anymore because of the pretzel incident] and it took me all night
to wade through the spam in my inbox. That's not actually a nice thing to
call clever email marketing anyway. I mean it's just good ol' business practice
to send out lots of illicifications in the mail. And anyway, Spam is one of
my favorite foods, and my wife makes it really good on Sundays. But that is
not of primary concern at this moment. I am writing you to propose to you,
and to inform you, and to tell you, and to let you know, that we must complete
this negotiations by the end of the week so that I can get back to the important
work of putting every teacher in a classroom. And to fill it with kids who
can't learn. Which isn't easy, because teachers want to teach, and we need
to give them the tools. I have tools on the ranch. I know about tools. And
I have kids. I know about kids. Kids want to learn, and we have tools, so
teachers should have ranches.
You will not be able
email me back at this address, because my office has a crisco rooter with
a firewall, and a randomly gyrating I-PEE arrest, with a network hub that
sends lots of little packets back and forth on a dye-sink-row-iced DSL, and
uses down with OPP technology. I don't to mean to get all technical on you,
but you should know that we use only the top technologicality here at my discreet
location. Computers are good for America. And America is good for computers.
As long as we can continue to dump our old toxic computer parts into thirds
world countries I think we should keep making lots of computers. Either that,
or we can store that toxic stuff - well I'm calling it toxic stuff, but I
think more studies need to be done - in Yucca mountain in Nevada, but that's
too expensive, it's better to put it out in the wilderness in some other country.
I mean it's wilderness, not a ranch, so don't worry.
Also, you can't call
me on the phone either, because there aren't any secure lines that can be
trusted any more. The authorities are much to clever with their surveying.
I should know, some recent laws I passed provides much more power to the government
with regarding snooping. I can't even hardly even take a crap in my house
without somebody takin' a picture of my be-hind. Not that you'd be interested
in my be-hind because I'm pretty sure you aren't one of those kinds of guys
who likes the same sex as another guy. That will be illegal soon too, if I
have my way. And when it is, probably there won't be any more terrorism, because
that's what my friends say started the whole thing in the first place. Anyways,
I can't risk gettin' caught talkin' to you, or it will surely mean my the
end of my re-election hopes. And I don't want to end up like my dad.
In order for you to accept
this proposal, please review the information below. If you are a patriot,
and can help me, I have described the necessary anonymous response that you
need to make to me. Like I said, you can't call or email, so I've devised
a smart way of doing it, where nobody will ever know a thing. When you contact
me as I describe, I will know we have a deal, and that I can trust you. Remember,
that my future will be in your hands. Your hands, and God's. And I trust him
more than you, but that's just because he helped so many patriotic Americans
at the Olympics. Anyways, in doing this favor for me you'll be helping our
great country to get the evil terrorists, and stop all those Arabs, I mean
the bad ones, from thinking they can get away with harming innocents.
As I have mentioned,
I am the head of a very big government in North America. I am seeking your
assistance to enable me transfer the sum of USD$65,000,000,000.00 into your
private personal bank account for our mutual benefit. Now that's a lot of
zeros I know. But not quite as many as flew to Pearl Harbor and bombed so
many of our innocent soldiers. Those terrorists attacked us then, and they'll
attack us again. We need to make sure patriots like you help us to win the
war. Winning the war is the most important thing. Even though it's not really
a war at all, I like to call it one, so that people know what I'm talking
about, even though I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Like I was saying there
were a lot of zeros. And you should be afraid of zeros like the Japs, as we
used to call them before they bought up most of our country. But now there
starting to lose some money again, so I'm takin' to calling them Japs again.
But just for short, sort of like Bill for William. Not mean or anything, just
short, so I can remember.
Even though they've been
our friends for a long time now, my daddy told me to watch out for their kind.
Before I met that little guy, the Japanese Prime Minister, my boy K-Z a few
weeks back, my daddy told me all about WW II. That ain't to say they're evil
doers, but they look like evil doers. And you never can be too sure. That's
why that little guy, Koizuma, I called him K-Z, because he has crazy hair,
he might be crazy. He's my buddy, we're buddies. But that isn't Christian
hair. And my daddy's still sure they put something in that fish bait they
served him that one time. Lucky for him he had that CIA training. He smartly
puked under the table that day. That's CIA training. That's thinking on your
feet. I'm so proud of my daddy.
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