March 5, 2002

< page, 1

But, anyway, the kind of zeros I'm talking about are good. They help America to be strong, and the more of them that people give to you, the more favors you owe them. I know this as sure as hoot-ninny horse knows that shoofly don't ask no questions if he ain't greener than a big box of dog gone shoe strings. Sheee-it! All these zeros. All that money. All that money I'm talking about came about as a result of a very large energy company going out of business. I can't tell you exactly how the money came into my possession, but let's just say that I exercised some savvy business maneuvers, and basically stole it. Other people did it too. That's why it's okay. People do things together. Americans do things together. That's what keeps America strong. Togetherness.

Together we stand, divided we fall. And we won't get divided. We might get multiplied, but not divided. Divided is too hard. I need a calculator for that. Calculators help get rid of that fuzzy math. And with division in this country you can expect a little fuzzy math. So we don't want division. We want to multiply. That's good. We'll multiply together. But we'll do it naturally. We won't clone each other. Because that's not natural. Well genetically modified foods aren't natural either, but that's just food. It doesn't matter with food. You can do whatever you want to food, and it doesn't say ouch. That's why it's okay to do whatever you want to do with food. With people, it's different. They have feelings. If you hit a person they say ouch. And sometimes you leave a bruise, and it hurts them for a little while. That's why we're dropping huge bombs on our enemies. So they say ouch. And the reason that we use such big bombs is to make sure that we get them, so they can't hurt us again. And another reason we use such big bombs, is because they aren't always too accurate, and if they're big enough, they'll scare the people they don't kill. And that's good. That's another thing you can't do to food, scare it. And another reason the bombs are so big is that so is our military budget. What would our enemies think if they saw little bombs falling? They'd laugh, that's what they'd say. So our bombs are big. Big bombs. Big. Together.

What I need you to do, is to work with me. Together with me. I need you to accept all the money I talked about into your bank account. I'll contact you later about how to get me your rooting numbers discreetly. The money will be transferred in under the name of Kenneth Lay. This way, if you are audited by any government agency, you can just say that you're receiving dividends from some stock you cashed in a while ago. And it's safer for me to use his name, because for some reason everyone seems to believe that I don't know Kenny boy, so this money will never be able to be traced back to me. And the people who think Kenny and I were friends are part of the "Liberal Media" and they're always making things up. That's what they do. That's what liberal means: made up.

Once you get the money, I will email you a list of people who are to each get $300.00 transferred into their accounts. This list is really quite long. There are a lot of Americans in this great country. And they need you now. And I need you. And I know that you're a real patriot, and that our government can count on you to support the war on terrorism against the evildoers. I'm sure you'll help, because I'm sure that you're not some kind of Islamic extremist, or a Commie homo, or some other kind of bad person who is an evildoer and would let innocents be killed and stand by while the blood of their countrymen runs through the streets. I don't think you're that kind of person, so I'm sure you'll help.

You'll only have a few days to get through this list, and transfer the money, because everybody is already starting to file their tax returns. And if you don't hurry up, they'll all find out that the money they got last summer wasn't really a refund at all. And when the do, they're gonna get pissed. I think some of the Commie Liberals actually realized it already, but nobody listens to those terrorists anyway. They're just like the "Liberal Media." They're always making things up.

Just because I want to show you that I trust you, I'm going to tell you a little secret. The tax cut last summer was really just a bet I made with some of my frat buddies in college. It was an old bet from my younger years. It was a bet I lost because I couldn't do an eight-ball [that's 1/8 ounce, in case you're wondering] without sneezing at least once. And so when I lost the bet I was suppose to give them all 300 bucks. And there were 10 of them. And who has that kind of money in college. Well not most kids, but my dad did. But he was always telling me to be careful with my money so that it wouldn't "trickle down the drain". Which is funny, because his friend Ron used part of that expression to help convince people that was exactly what they should do with their money. Anyway, I didn't want to ask my dad for the money, so I didn't pay them. And they've been making fun of me ever since.

So now I made good on that bet, by leveraging Congress with the help of that rat bastard Jeffords. He said it would be the last favor he ever did for me. I didn't believe him until after that commie liberal terrorist quit my party. But he'll be back for more, mark my words. Anyway, I got the money to my friends, I know it was an elaborate scheme, but that was before the evildoers were taking up all my time. I had lots of free time to play leader of the world. But now, it's more fun anyway, because I get to use the Armed forces to back me up. I wish I could have used the armed forces on Jeffords. That loser. Anyways, I didn't want everyone else to get the money, so everyone else actually has to give it back this year. My friends are allowed to keep it though, because they donated lots of money to my campaign.

So it was just a joke. Except that nobody else got it. People think they should really keep the money, just because we passed the hugest "tax cut" in a long, long time. I should have just told everyone about the bet, that would have cleared things up. But what I'm afraid, is that if everyone finds out that I'm taking the money back, that I'll have to bomb a few other countries again to distract them. I'm sure it would work again, but Colin says we're not ready with another "coalition" yet, although he says Tony is already on our side, even though he doesn't know what we plan on doing yet. Anyway I need you to help sneak the money back into their accounts. That's what you'll be doing. But it's a patriotic thing to do. And good Americans understand what patriotism is. And they know that money well spent is money well earned. And money well earned is money well spent. And they know that sometimes the IRS makes tax forms complicated just so we can squeeze a few more pennies from the working poor. Which is a funny phrase. How can you work and be poor? They should be called the spending poor. It's the spending that has them in trouble. If they could just stop doing so much of that, they'd be rich like me.

< page, 1 - page, 3 >