March 5, 2002

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This contract is serious. It was officially assigned to be awarded and executed by myself and a "shadow" of myself, who is living deep under ground and goes by the code name of "Nixon." The only difference between he and I, is that he got caught for all the bad things he was doing. He didn't have very good lawyers, or a Vice President that likes to hide things when he's asked for them.

On actualization of the transaction, the funds will be shared between you and me. 1.30% of the money will go to you for acting as the benefit-fairy of the funds. But don't forget that you will claim this as income on next year's tax return. And because the really rich still need more money, you will be required to pay back exactly same amount so that I can give all the corporations the tax breaks that I promised. You might even owe a little interest on it, but that depends on how you invest it over the coarse of the year. And if you invest it like I hope most Americans will with their social security, then you'll help make some corporations really rich by investing in the stock market. And then just when you think you have your retirement set, the smart ones on the inside [that just means they like to keep out of the sun] will move into big houses all of the sudden and start making trips to the Caveman Islands. So if you're like most Americans you'll probably lose tons of money, but that's just because you've been good for the economy by supporting the fight against terrorism.

And the money that I don't give to the rich, will go to defense. I can't say how much exactly, it depends on how much money Colin needs patriotic Americans to donate next year, but I'll let you know. Because you have to give the money back, it won't really be yours. But for a while, it will look like you have a lot of money in the bank, which will probably lead you to pursue the American dream and charge up your credit cards a little bit, just in time for next year's really big tax break. But don't think you can try that bankruptcy thing. No way. Not any more. Not on my watch. Bankruptcy makes credit card companies have to charge higher rates. Because of the risk they take in loaning that money to good working Americans. And with less bankruptcy, there will be less risk to the credit card companies. And that will be good. Because then they can lower interest rates. Well no. They can't really do that. But they can make more money so there shareholders can make more money. And that's good for the economy. And bad for terrorists everywhere, who are afraid of big money, and big budgets, and big bombs.

Another 3.10% of the money will end up back in my bank account, where I can use it to pay for a new speech writer who doesn't brag about how good he makes me sound. And another .65% will go to Kenneth Lay's wife, because they're practically starving to death after Ken lost his job. And the last .01% will go to welfare mothers, so that they can get shotgun weddings in Las Vegas. This will help them get off welfare and learn family values.

So that's how it all adds up 1.30% for you, 3.10% for me, .65% for Kenny's wife, and .01% for welfare mothers. That's 4.74%. And the rest, 97.36% goes to the people of this country who help Democracy run every day. And that ain't fuzzy math. Half of them help our great democracy by not voting, a quarter more help by finding ways to lie and get out of jury duty, and the rest help by getting so far into credit card debt and mortgage debt, that they can't do anything but work all day long to pay it off. And that's good. Work is good for you. A great man once said that it would actually set you free. And I believe that. I don't remember who it was who said it, but he really was right.

All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth actualization of the transaction. That's just fancy talk for "thumbs up dude." Within two working days of the commencement ceremony after getting your personal information, our contract will be finalized. What you will need to do to get me your personal information, is to attend the next Whitehouse Press briefing. You will enter with the rest of the press, and use the name "Luke Skywalker." It's already been arranged so that none of the boys over at Arthur Anderson will be using that name, I checked it out myself. So you'll check in, and then you'll need to ask my friend Ari the following question, which will provide me with all the information I need to finalize our deal [you'll fill in your personal information where it says so]:

"I heard that the president was thinking about really helping out the environment by cutting back on greenhouse gas emissions. Over at the Times, [your first name] Smith, and John [your last name] have made the people in this country who can read, aware that there are currently [your street number address] superfund cleanup sites in the country [if your address has a letter in it, clear you throat and say it quickly here; nobody will notice] and that they will benefit from clean water by not having so many things burned in the upper atmosphere, where they get in the way of the missiles when they're falling on our enemies. I think the president was really smart to take this into consideration, and I know that he based his information on statistics gathered by [your street address] Information Technology group, in [your city]. Even though Bill Clinton isn't responsible for the bad things going on in the Middle East, I think that he did allow air quality to suffer a little bit, in [the state you live in]. But that's neither here nor there, and what I mean to ask, is aren't you glad that you work for George? And doesn't his approval rating mean that people all over the world think that he's doing a good job at killing evildoers if they try to harm innocents?"

I don't expect you to understand all of the information in that statement, but just say it all, because it will make you seem smart, and then nobody will suspect anything. I know this for a fact, because Dick keeps telling me the same thing all the time and it's really working!

Also, once you give me this information, and I know you're on board, I'll email you all those bank account numbers. Then it's up to you go hurry up and finish your end of the deal.

Thanks in anticipation for your positive response.

Yours faithfully,

MR. G. W. BRUSH, MBA