Full Contact Pedestrian
October 4, 2000
RK: I have
a public service announcement for the masses of the world. For the betterment
of mankind, and peace on earth, I have taken it upon myself to spread the
word and speak...
yes, speak Reverend!
RK: I say
SPEAK to y'all off the violence and debauchery that plagues our city streets.
me your ears and your minds, so that I might INfiltrate and PROPagate a REVVVVVVVVVVVOLUTION
of thinking... (sigh) I beg of you to listen.
If you are walking in a crowded street, (pause and look up at the sky) and
you STOP... (look back at the crowd) you ARE in someone's way!
if you are walking in a crowded street at an ungodly slow pace, as if your
soul is weighted down by the excrement of a thousand camels... you ARE in
god YES! CAMELSSSSS!
Yes Reverend, Ahhhhhhhmen!
if people...... if...... if you are walking in the rain.
Let it rain Reverend!
the RAIN!... (pause for dramatic effect) and you have an umbrella...
you MUST, I say, I say, I say MUST! Move that umbrella from the path of the
riotous men and women among you!
Move that thang Reverend!
that UMBRELLLA from the path of these men and women... SO as NOT to drive
a spoke of that umbrella THROUGH the EYE of your brethren!
The eye that does not see, Reverend!
I'm doin' the preachin' up here, shut the %##$ up!... I was saying, do NOT
take the eye of your fellow pedestrians with your umbrella, as you would not
have them take your eye with theirs!
(cheers) AHHHmen Reverend! Let it rain!
PEOPLE! You must remember that your city is indeed a dangerous place!
So it is Reverend!
PEOPLE! You have the POWER to make that place safer for you and your children...
Let it RAIN!
I beg of you... I say I BEG of you... walk QUICKLY!
As fast as bad sushi through the digestive tract!
don't stop ABRUPTLY!
Like the digestive tract during Passover!
move thou umbrella!
Like a thousand camels?!?
not really... But move it... (sneers at the crowd) I SAY MOVE IT!
it is MOOOOOOVED Revered!
that umbrella, so as it may NOT find its way to the eyes, face, neck, loosely
knit sweater, handbag strap, hair, sleeve, OR BUTTOCK of your pedestrian brethren!!!
(cheers) tell it like it is Reverend, you have been HEARD!
None of this speech may
be reproduced without the formal written consent of the Reverend K.