Full Contact Pedestrian Locomotion

October 4, 2000
Reverend K

RK: I have a public service announcement for the masses of the world. For the betterment of mankind, and peace on earth, I have taken it upon myself to spread the word and speak...

CROWD: yes, speak Reverend!

RK: I say SPEAK to y'all off the violence and debauchery that plagues our city streets.

CROWD: That's right!

RK: Lend me your ears and your minds, so that I might INfiltrate and PROPagate a REVVVVVVVVVVVOLUTION of thinking... (sigh) I beg of you to listen.

CROWD: We're listenen'!

RK: If...... If you are walking in a crowded street, (pause and look up at the sky) and you STOP... (look back at the crowd) you ARE in someone's way!

CROWD: We are?

RK: Yes you are.

CROWD: (puzzled silence)

RK: And if you are walking in a crowded street at an ungodly slow pace, as if your soul is weighted down by the excrement of a thousand camels... you ARE in someone's way!

CROWD: Camels Reverend?

RK: my god YES! CAMELSSSSS!

CROWD: Yes Reverend, Ahhhhhhhmen!

RK: And if people...... if...... if you are walking in the rain.

CROWD: Let it rain Reverend!

RK: In the RAIN!... (pause for dramatic effect) and you have an umbrella...

CROWD: Oh MY!

RK: Then you MUST, I say, I say, I say MUST! Move that umbrella from the path of the riotous men and women among you!

CROWD: Move that thang Reverend!

RK: MOVE that UMBRELLLA from the path of these men and women... SO as NOT to drive a spoke of that umbrella THROUGH the EYE of your brethren!

CROWD: The eye that does not see, Reverend!

RK: Hey I'm doin' the preachin' up here, shut the %##$ up!... I was saying, do NOT take the eye of your fellow pedestrians with your umbrella, as you would not have them take your eye with theirs!

CROWD: (cheers) AHHHmen Reverend! Let it rain!

RK: AND PEOPLE! You must remember that your city is indeed a dangerous place!

CROWD: So it is Reverend!

RK: AND PEOPLE! You have the POWER to make that place safer for you and your children...

CROWD: Let it RAIN!

RK: So I beg of you... I say I BEG of you... walk QUICKLY!

CROWD: As fast as bad sushi through the digestive tract!

RK: And don't stop ABRUPTLY!

CROWD: Like the digestive tract during Passover!

RK: And move thou umbrella!

CROWD: Like a thousand camels?!?

RK: Well not really... But move it... (sneers at the crowd) I SAY MOVE IT!

CROWD: it is MOOOOOOVED Revered!

RK: Move that umbrella, so as it may NOT find its way to the eyes, face, neck, loosely knit sweater, handbag strap, hair, sleeve, OR BUTTOCK of your pedestrian brethren!!!

CROWD: (cheers) tell it like it is Reverend, you have been HEARD!

None of this speech may be reproduced without the formal written consent of the Reverend K.