Pimples, Airplanes,
& Osama bin Laden

April 17, 2002
Ted Barney

What do these three things have in common? Can you figure it out? Let's think about it together. Starting from the end. Osama bin Laden. He's a terrorist mastermind. That was easy. Airplanes. They're transportation vehicles; but there's also the link to terrorism. Osama bin Laden, lead the Al Qaeda Network to hijack four planes on September 11, 2001, and used them as weapons of mass destruction. Pimples. Pimples are ugly blemishes, just like Osama bin Laden. That was easy, wasn't it? But there's also one more thing...

Acne may be the underlying reason that Osama bin Laden is a crazy militant terrorist. And worse, there may be as many as 13 million terrorists holed up in high schools all around the United States! You really can't make this stuff up. This is too clever for even my well honed humorous intellect. This is real. And if you don't believe me, check it out:

http://www.usatoday.com/money/health/2002-04-16-accutane-suicide.htm

Drug maker Hoffman-La Roche is being sued for $70 million dollars in the wrongful death of Charles Bishop; the teenager who killed himself on January 5 when he crashed a small propeller plane into the 28th floor of the 42-story Bank of America building in Tampa, Florida. Ambulance chasing [allegedly] attorney [allegedly] Michael Ryan has stated, that the acne medication Accutane is responsible for Charles Bishop's death:

"Our suit alleges that Hoffman-La Roche has known that this drug causes spontaneous suicide and depression but they have refused to accept responsibility."

Don Rumsfeld is going to be downright pissed. Hoffman-La Roche may be responsible for an enormous sleeper cell of Al Qaeda right here in the United States. By day, these otherwise dangerous terrorists are just zit-faced high school teenagers; but then, suddenly and without warning, they "spontaneously" become depressed militant high school teenagers. Which only really distinguishes them from any other depressed militant high school teenagers by fact that their use of Accutane makes them a little less zit-faced.

Experts are now analyzing the Osama bin Laden video recently released on Al Jazeera. I'm no expert, but did you notice how clear his skin was?