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Arrest
of "Al Qaeda Mastermind" a Secret Plot to Destroy U.S. Porn Industry
February
12, 2003
For Immediate Release
I
nside sources revealed today that the alleged Al Qaeda mastermind, arrested
in Pakistan and currently in the custody of the United States, was actually
the porn star Ron Jeremy. Although the actor bears a striking resemblance
to Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the mistake was rectified during a routine strip
search of the suspect, which revealed... well something that only Ron Jeremy
has.
What
Jeremy was doing in Pakistan is not known at the present time, but analysts
have suggested that he was doing research for his upcoming role in his new
film, "Al Qinda Training Positions." An inside source at Vivid Video Productions,
speaking under the condition of anonymity, stated that this film was to
feature Jeremy as the leader of a terrorist training camp, where he would
take into custody several busty, blond, American women and subject them
to a variety of lewd torture methods.
The
source also mentioned that casting for the movie was in its final stages, and
that Donald Rumsfeld was to be played by Mr. Clean. Because he is bald,
Mr. Clean was to be fitted with a toupe.
Since the movie was slated to be released after Mr.
Bush's loss in the December 2004 elections, the President agreed to play
himself. Unfortunately scouting agents determined very early on that he
was not able to remember his lines, so they hired a member of the Screen
Actor's Guild, with a striking resemblance to Mr. Bush, to play his part.
Under John Ashcroft's orders, the American Military
continues to hold Jeremy, under the premise that his activities undermine
the American ethic and ultimately contribute to global terrorism. At a press
conference Ashcroft stated, "We are deeply sorry about this mix-up, and
our intelligence organizations continue to cooperate with Pakistani officials
in our continuing search for Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. However, that being stated, I think we can all
agree that Ron Jeremy's prolific film career has resulted
in the increased likelihood of global terrorism. Any movie that unrealistically
portrays a scraggly,
greasy, unsightly, unkempt, overweight man having sex with beautiful voluptuous
women, violates all laws of nature and is offensive to human beings of every
culture. This kind of extremist subversion of reality is just the kind of
nonsense that drives terrorists to hate America."
Tom
Ridge supported this assertion, and noted that he had "...spent hours and
hours reviewing Mr. Jeremy's movies with Senator Lott, Senator Frist, Senator
Hatch, and Vice President Dick Cheney. We did not enjoy this task, but it
was necessary research." Although Mr. Ridge stated that the investigative
research had ended some weeks ago Mr. Cheney has still not been seen, leading
to speculation that the research is ongoing. Mrs. Cheney's comment that
her husband had been very tired lately and that his hands were unusually
soft, corroborates this conjecture.
Mr. Ridge called reports that a collection of
Mr. Jeremy's movies were delivered to the White House, along with several
cases of beer and several jars of Vaseline, "unfounded and preposterous."
Mr. Ridge clarified, "Those materials were sent to the Vice President's
house, not the White House."
No release date has been set, and Washington Officials
have stated that it is unlikely his release will occur until the war on
terrorism is at least half over.
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