January 9, 2002
F. Rizzo

For the record, let me just say that all this talk about stimulus packages has me really turned on. If I had a pile of wadded up tissues and an ounce of Vaseline intensive care lotion for every time some governmental party affiliate mentioned the phrase "stimulus package," I'd be out of work, suffering from carpal tunnel, if you know what I mean.

And the more hot and bothered I get, the more attractive the idea of getting LAID-off sounds... the whole project sounds like some kind of erotic thriller: The country is courted by a bunch of powerful politicians, in red, white, and blue jock straps, and asked to vote on the prowess of each one's stimulus package, while being threatened with massive libidinous LAY-offs and taunted with concerns about oil prices.

With the Republicans and the Democrats constantly arguing about who has the biggest and best stimulus package, and bickering about why the other guys stimulus package is too small or just won't work, it's a wonder any of us is able to get any sleep at all. If we want to know who really has the best stimulus package, we all should have been watching our representatives more carefully after September 11; that's when they were all eagerly dropping their pants for each other to offer their full and unwavering affection for each other's campaigns to rally public support for a massive military display of heroic masculine bravado. That's when we saw the real impotency of Washington temporarily put on hold during a gargantuan bipartisan Viagra love-fest.

Man, I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it! Hold on a minute... I need to catch my breath...

Hands down, Dick Arm[e]y gets points for having the coolest porn name, so maybe we ought to hear him out when he says his stimulus package is the best in town... or maybe we should just ask one of his old college girlfriends to corroborate his claim to legitimacy. My guess is he would have better luck operating heavy machinery high on crack-cocaine than he would putting a smile on his wife's face in the morning... but that's just pure speculation.

Since we all know way too much about Bill Clinton's stimulus package [some anal-ysts suggest that the lengthy and infamous Starr report, represents a massive latent homosexuality within the Republican party] maybe we should ask our most recent ex-president for some advice. And to corroborate his own highly evolved pretentiousness, maybe Monica would put in her two cents as well; although to get her to speak on the topic after all this time, she'd certainly have to swallow her pride [not his this time].

Have you noticed how quiet Dick Cheney has gotten recently? Whether or not his stimulus package is workable or not, we can only imagine that his silence indicates that he has some real serious concerns about whether or not his heart can keep pace with his economic libido. He must be wondering if he still has the heart to provide the proper cash flow to his greedy corporate constituents so that, through the operation of his electronically modified stimulus package, they will be able to screw us all to death. Hey everybody! There's an Enron in my pants, and everybody's invited! Now that's a stimulus package!

And let's not forget Tom Daschle. That guy looks so bent out of shape all the time, you'd think he'd forgotten the guilt-free pleasures of masturbation. That permanent furrowed brow is proof positive that he'd rather criticize every one else's stimulus package, than pull his out for everyone else to see. My guess is, it's been so long, he wouldn't recognize his own stimulus package if it were laying in the palm of his hand.

The Democrats are arguing that the GOP tax cut is starting to look like the economic equivalent of a second circumcision. And no matter how much you'd like to put that foreskin back into place, the fact remains that a big stimulus package isn't any good if you don't know how to use it.

And the Republicans are arguing that the economy needs more stimulation [I know I do] and that we ought to try to keep oil prices low so that our economy is properly lubricated when the president puts his John Hancock on his stimulus package [excuse me for being redundant].

Damn! When George W. Bush said he was going to set a new tone in Washington, he meant it! There hasn't been this much action in Washington since Marion Barry got caught smoking crack at the Vista International Hotel. People will be talking about this for years: The time when a Bush got serviced by two Dicks in the White House, to show the country that he really is fighting for the right of every American to benefit from the pleasures of really big stimulus packages.