October 18, 2000
K. David

Scientists have made an amazing new discovery which, more clearly than ever before, creates a common thread between the old testament and the origins of life on earth. Although the Big Bang and Darwin's "Theory of Evolution" have received much support from scientific evidence gathered to date, this new discovery calls into question these conclusions and lends credibility to the Kansas Board of Education's decision to stop teaching these as yet unproved "theories".

Earlier today, archeologists discovered the strongest evidence yet for the actual existence of the Garden of Eden, and thus an affirmation of creationist dogma. Surprisingly, its location coincides exactly with the state of Texas, in the United States of America. Support and documentation for this discovery are still coming in, but experts around the world have already begun to concede to these recent findings. Surprisingly, the early evidence shows that not only was Texas the biblical "Garden of Eden", but that it still functions as such. Biblical scholars have even suggested that the reference to the "lone star" in the state's motto is probably a reference to the singularity of the Almighty, which has been carried down through Texas history.

The crux of the issue seems to be a recent finding that Texans are in fact perfect human beings; and that as opposed to most human beings, Texans do not make mistakes [or admit to them]. Biblical scholars agree that any remnants of the Biblical/Historical "Garden" would be made manifest by a brotherhood of aboriginal garden dwellers whose relatives are direct peers to Adam and Eve, and were somehow able to regain occupancy in the Garden some time after Adam and Eve's "expulsion". How these individuals survived the "fall from grace" associated with Adam and Eve's violation of their pact with the creator [eating the fruit from the tree of life] has yet to be discovered, but the very existence of perfect human beings in Texas necessitates a rethinking of this traditional "expulsion" theory.

The most compelling evidence comes from a statement by Texas Governor, George W. Bush, paraphrased by the Associated Press on October 16, 2000:

This statement is corroborated by State Attorney General John Cornyn, who humbly asserted his agreement with this breaking news that links Texas with the Garden of Eden by stating, according to the Associated Press:

Scientists are a bit more skeptical than Mr. Cornyn; and have expressed doubts that the death penalty can be administered as perfectly outside of the Biblical Texas/Eden. Instead, they have suggested that all national death penalty trials be moved to Texas, so that the entire country can benefit from its judicious/biblical prowess.

Politicians have begun to circulate a petition to move the Country's capital to Austin so that the political powers of this country can also benefit from this Biblical Mecca. Scientist Rundle Cormin has even suggested that a perfect society could be attained if, "... all people packed up their bags and moved to Texas as soon as possible. The metaphysical possibilities are endless... and if you're rich and white, Texans will welcome you with open arms."

Whatever the result of this amazing discovery, scientists and theologians around the world agree that the November elections will play a critical role in providing Americans the opportunity to elect a Republican president who not only has the intellectual capacity of a hood ornament, but can lie and distort the truth as well as the most erudite Democrat.