September 20, 2000
Ladies and gentlemen...
some members of our society have now stooped to a new level of technological
abuse, and I need YOUR help to stop them. The e-mail sent below was sent within
an office of 250 people.
[name deleted to protect the guilty]
Thursday, June 15, 2000 10:24 AM
[recipients deleted to protect those exposed to this madness]
Does anyone know where I can buy SNOOPY gear, like a sweatshirt, T-shirt,
I know most e-mail complaints
are about chain letters and "bad" jokes [although the sender of such jokes
would have you believe that the perceived poor quality is directly related
to your lacking a sense of humor] BUT, ladies and gentlemen, there
is a NEW breed of incorrigible individual out there that needs to be
Because of their lack
of friends, or lack of social graces, they are incapable of asking the person
SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM even the most benign and elemental question.
IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED, that they are actually lacking a gene [scientists
are currently debating this possibility] which in normal individuals functions
to cause a feeling of DREAD and EMBARASSMENT at the thought
of sending an e-mail OF ANY KIND out to 250 co-workers. Even when such
e-mail IS AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY [for example when searching for clothing
which depicts a certain cartoon character dog drawn by Charles Schultz]. This
gene [when present] causes the sender to read any outgoing mail UP TO 6
OR 7 TIMES BEFORE sending it; because NORMAL individuals don't want to
appear DUMB, or UN-INTELLIGENT, or AS IF THEY HAVE NO FRIENDS!!!
but the individuals lacking this gene are [by no fault of their own] incapable
of any sort of electronic humility, and are rendered helpless when faced with
the question: "Should I ask this person sitting next to me about [insert insipid
question here], or should I send this e-mail out to all 250 people in my office,
200 of which I don't know, and 50 of whom I know well enough to know that
they don't like me?".
In order to combat such
behavior, and equip those individuals less fortunate than ourselves, I have
developed a 3 step system similar to, and as easy to remember, as a certain
other 3 step system which we all know from grade school; I believe you'll
recognize it when you see it:
message into the deleted items folder
a ream of paper into a tube [this can be found in most offices' supply rooms]
and beatyourself over the head with it.
I believe that such a
system will prevent most unsolicited asinine e-mails from reaching the inboxes
of the helpless masses... ACT NOW! DON'T be one of the HELPLESS!
PLEASE send this
message TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS... try to RESIST the temptation
to ignore these profound words of advice. Ignoring this message will NOT
bring you bad luck, nor will it make you rich, BUT ignoring this message
WILL cause you continued annoyance as the fatuous questions from your
co-workers continue to come trickling in... day after day... after day...
after day... after day... after day...