September 20, 2000
K. David

Ladies and gentlemen... some members of our society have now stooped to a new level of technological abuse, and I need YOUR help to stop them. The e-mail sent below was sent within an office of 250 people.

-----Original Message-----
From: [name deleted to protect the guilty]
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2000 10:24 AM
To: [recipients deleted to protect those exposed to this madness]
Subject: Does anyone know where I can buy SNOOPY gear, like a sweatshirt, T-shirt, etc.
-----End Original Message-----

I know most e-mail complaints are about chain letters and "bad" jokes [although the sender of such jokes would have you believe that the perceived poor quality is directly related to your lacking a sense of humor] BUT, ladies and gentlemen, there is a NEW breed of incorrigible individual out there that needs to be STOPPED!!!

Because of their lack of friends, or lack of social graces, they are incapable of asking the person SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM even the most benign and elemental question. IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED, that they are actually lacking a gene [scientists are currently debating this possibility] which in normal individuals functions to cause a feeling of DREAD and EMBARASSMENT at the thought of sending an e-mail OF ANY KIND out to 250 co-workers. Even when such e-mail IS AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY [for example when searching for clothing which depicts a certain cartoon character dog drawn by Charles Schultz]. This gene [when present] causes the sender to read any outgoing mail UP TO 6 OR 7 TIMES BEFORE sending it; because NORMAL individuals don't want to appear DUMB, or UN-INTELLIGENT, or AS IF THEY HAVE NO FRIENDS!!! but the individuals lacking this gene are [by no fault of their own] incapable of any sort of electronic humility, and are rendered helpless when faced with the question: "Should I ask this person sitting next to me about [insert insipid question here], or should I send this e-mail out to all 250 people in my office, 200 of which I don't know, and 50 of whom I know well enough to know that they don't like me?".

In order to combat such behavior, and equip those individuals less fortunate than ourselves, I have developed a 3 step system similar to, and as easy to remember, as a certain other 3 step system which we all know from grade school; I believe you'll recognize it when you see it:

STOP!
typing

DROP!
the message into the deleted items folder

ROLL!
up half a ream of paper into a tube [this can be found in most offices' supply rooms] and beatyourself over the head with it.

I believe that such a system will prevent most unsolicited asinine e-mails from reaching the inboxes of the helpless masses... ACT NOW! DON'T be one of the HELPLESS!

PLEASE send this message TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS... try to RESIST the temptation to ignore these profound words of advice. Ignoring this message will NOT bring you bad luck, nor will it make you rich, BUT ignoring this message WILL cause you continued annoyance as the fatuous questions from your co-workers continue to come trickling in... day after day... after day... after day... after day... after day...